How and Why Your Actions Affect Your Children More Than Your Words

Do as we say, and not as we do ~ Giovanni Bocaccio

This quote has often been heard by children all over the world, as “Do as I say, not as I do” as a parent picks up a cigarette, drinks too much, or eats too much food. It has been used for generations when children catch their elders doing things they themselves have been lectured not to do.

I am sure that you realize this does not work. Children tend to model the behavior of the adults around them, rather than doing what the adults say to do.

So what is the problem with this?

There is no doubt, if you want children to be responsible citizens, have self-worth, and be successful leaders for themselves and others it is important to model the behavior you desire. This makes parenting a little harder than just talking, doesn’t it? Giving children lectures about how to be will never substitute for modeling appropriate behavior.

Yet, we wonder why we have so many children (and adults) today who believe it is perfectly okay to cheat on an exam.

For example: “This is college, everyone cheats. Everyone cheats in life in general. I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone in this testing lab who hasn’t cheated on an exam. They’re making a witch hunt out of absolutely nothing, as if it were to teach us some kind of moral lesson,” Konstantin Ravvin, a college student at UCF, told ABC news the above upon discovering a professor was actively going after the hundreds of cheaters he had caught cheating on a test.

Ravvin sounds quite sure of himself that “cheating is no big deal”. This illustrates the point of a child who grew up seeing other adults crossing various lines. Cheating a little on taxes, not returning an item the cashier accidentally forgot to ring up, sneaking food into movie theaters, or lying to the salesman over the telephone.

Telling lies to avoid discomfort and being rewarded for an entire lifetime before college set this young man and many others up to have no idea that cheating, of any sort, is wrong.

It also points out to a bigger issue in society. It’s not only parents who are modeling hypocritical behaviors, it is our ministers, our politicians, our sports and movie stars. The very people we hold in high esteem. The people we call “leaders” in our society.

The truth is, young men like Mr. Ravvin are probably perfectly fine people who may have never had anyone in his life model self control, self respect, genuine pride in a job well done, or authentic leadership. Or maybe he did and failed to learn from it.

To err is human; to forgive, divine. ~ Alexander Pope

I would add to this quote . . . and to learn from your own and other’s mistakes, is the supreme demonstration of true leadership. Parent’s and those we hold in society as role models are human. Even if positive role modeling is absent in someone’s life that does not make our failed behavior correct, nor does it give us an excuse for our own failings. It just means there is a loss of self and personal integrity.

One of the most important aspects of true leadership is a sense of self-worth and personal integrity. The adults in a child’s life can model both by admitting mistakes and making amends so their children can learn to do the same. Therefore, the more important lesson to learn from this example is that personal responsibility for your actions is not just a matter of a “moral lesson” or “good upbringing” but your personal pathway to a life of extraordinary leadership that will help you reach your full potential with integrity.